Weekly Horoscopes

Weekly Horoscopes - Your Stars For The Week - ROMANCE - VIEW YOUR LOVE STARS HERE

Is there truth in the stars or is it all mumbo jumbo, well, after reading a few magazines I thought I would apply one of my many skills and give my predictions for your coming week, am I for real or is it tongue in cheek, I mean if you read the stars some of it is pretty real isn’t it? - you be the judge!

Week Beginning August 24th

Libra 23rd September - 23rd October

People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy and helpless" is probably not what they had in mind. Malicious gossip may reach your ears this week and cause a great deal of paranoia. The stars are not looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of woe, misery, despair and false-hope.

Scorpio 24th October - 21st November

Banning people from your house can work, especially if reinforced with large heavy blocks of swingable wood. The smoothness of your arms are testament to all your work in that area. Express yourself, do a backflip, try to do the splits. Dance and the world will be yours. Buying someone a gift this week is a good idea, they will really appreciate it, more than you know!

Sagittarius 22nd November - 21st December

Everytime you have a weird day you wonder whether there's someone out there controlling your destiny. Is it possible for this kind of thing to happen by chance? You wonder. This week is going to be one of those weeks, though it is difficult to say whether it's going to be a good one or a bad one. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.

Aquarius 20th January - 18th February

When you put your mind to it, you can be one hell of a person. Go get 'em! You may be feeling sporty this week but don't spend all that money on new sports gear and equipment. You are likely to lose interest in this new found "passion" within 20 days. All your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding busses, flirty women and a person called Toby.

Aries 21st March - 19th April

When the fish wander home cooking gently, who'll be there to open the froth? Mythology states that all kinds of crazy crap happened. You believe that, don't you? That's why your here. Please pay at the exit. Employee of the month awards carry a penalty - the penalty of ridicule. You will be praised on how you manage to surf the Internet and navigate web sites.

Gemini 21st May - 21st June

Feeding stray cats may seem important to you this week in order to get a feeling of overwhelming satisfaction. Terrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark spirits. Screaming loudly only serves to wake the neighbours. They'll only investigate when it is quiet and the murderer has gone home. This week is a good time to get a house alarm, do it by Friday : - )

Leo 23rd July - 22nd August

All the yearnings you have will all of a sudden find explosive release this week. Many of your problems can be solved by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and perhaps tornadoes. Christmas may seem like it's just around the corner, but really that's just nonsense. Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid. Baskets of eggs may cause problems for you.

Capricorn 22nd December - 19th January

The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things over the coming week. Like, how lazy was that hare, eh? Jeez, I mean, that bunny should've whupped that table ornament. Distinguished guests will honour you today with their presence. Hexes may impair your vision today if you attempt to cross an invisible boundary. Have a good week, next week will be awful.

Pisces 19th February - 20th March

One man cannot make himself into an army of super-strength midgets. No matter what his budget. Armchair politicians will affect your life today as they rise from their dank pits and begin to conquer the known world. Change is always for the good, ask any transsexual. Reading through a dictionary is the least effective way to learn more about the world. Get out there!

Taurus 20th April - 20th May

A new playmate will arrive this week, this playmate will give you hours of endless fun and pleasure. Things are looking up for you, sport will be a good way to relax, as will walking and lying down. Don’t watch too much TV unless it is sport, the colour red features, I am not sure why but it does. Well not much more I can tell you really, you will be really happy this week, as happy as a redneck in a gold trailer in trailer park city, or a trailer park theme park.

Cancer 22nd June - 22nd July

You tend to be less true to yourself at work, but today you may let a little of yourself slip out at a most awkward moment. Your daily rituals are what keep you going. Avoid the temptation to change your ways, lest you become half the person you are today. We don't lie to you to make you return to this website. OK, that's a lie, we think you're gorgeously beautiful.

Virgo 23rd August - 22nd September

You think you're so advanced, but when was the last time monkeys had to worry about their finances? There may be trouble ahead...but while there's moonlight and music and love and romance, the blow caused by the disease you are about to become infected with, will be somewhat softened. Try not to get the wrong end of the stick this week, especially the pointy end.